Feathery Strokers

On the way over to Canada, my wife Mel was reading one of those books that makes you laugh out loud. I annoyed her enough that she shared the joke with me.

Apparently the bird in the book had been with this guy who nearly made her rip off her skin. The reason was, that they lay in bed together and he stroked her skin over and over again for hours.

Her and her friend then coined the phrase for him 'feathery stroker'.

They then came up with things that men did that made them feathery strokers.

** I you are a man and refuse to eat red meat you are a fethery stroker
** If you notice your bird's handbag or shoes you are a feathery stroker
** If you are friends with your ex girlfriend you are a feathery stroker
** If you do pilates, you are a feathery stroker
** If you use balm instead of aftershave you are a feathery stroker
** Straight men from San Francisco are feathery strokers
** If you have ever said, 'i have to take care of myself right now' you are a feathery stroker
** If you happily and with a smiling gesture give up your seat on the underground (instead of with a grunt and a head nod) you are a feathery stroker
** If you help your woman look for lost things you are a feathery stroker

The list is seemingly endless.

If you think the above list is silly then YES, YOU ARE A FEATHERY STROKER!!

A List Of Things That Annoy Me

1. People cheering and clapping when a plane lands
2. Drivers in front of me who take ten minutes to turn into a junction
3. Gary Hamilton
4. When i can't score a goal in FIFA
5. Being put under undue pressure
6. Orange traffic lights
7. Traffic lights
8. Fat people in tight clothing
9. Air conditioning
10. Average speed, speed cameras
11. Christian hype over the next big thing
12. Brutal Northern Ireland 'summer' weather
13. When stewardesses bump your elbow with the trolley and look at you as if it's your fault
14. Lawrie Sanchez walking out on Northern Ireland
15. Lists
16. Zane Lowe off Radio 1, he doesn't know as mush as he makes out
17. Every single tele-evangelist
18. Clutter
19. Building up flatpack furniture
20. Gary Hamilton (yes twice)

European Election Candidates

Well folks, i'm sure you are as excited as i am, i nearly wet myself a little bit at the thought of the upcoming European elections.

Incase you don't have time, goodness knows, i'm sure it's not because you couldn't be arsed, i thought i'd give you a quick overview of the credentials of each candidate (and by credentials, mostly about what they look like).

Party: DUP
Candidate: Diane Dodds
Potential: If she holds Nigel's hand and smiles for long enough, i'm sure she'll do well.

I believe that Diane probably has three main reasone for running.
1) She doesn't want any Catholics in the European Union in case they breed like mad and take over the whole show. Therefore, she is standing to make sure the SDLP or Sinn Fein candidates don't get in.
2) DUP don't just want any Catholics in but they don't want any other Protestant in either, let alone one who used to be in the DUP ... ooh, how embarasing!
3) I can't help thinking that maybe she's running because she's lonely at home without Nigel or else they want to get rid of one car to save the environment and share a lift to work?


Party: Sinn Fein
Candidate: Barbre de bruin (really spelt Barbara Brown?)
Potential: Just slightly more attractive than John O'Dowd

I assume that no one else from Sinn Fein is allowed to leave the country under the prevention of terrorism (oh yeah, they don't do that anymore)so Barbara put herself forward. Apparently Gerry told her that she would get six free holidays to Belgium per year. Sinn Fein had thought about putting Mid Ulster's finest, John O'Dowd forward at first but when the election posters came back they weren't allowed to hang them on lamp posts for fear of scaring children.

Party: Green Party
Candidate: Stephen Agnew
Potential: More chance of Barack Obama not pausing for effect after every fourth word.

Stephen only took up politics recently after his modelling contract with Pantene Pro V was terminated due to artistic differences. Basically, they wanted him to wash his hair and he continually refused. I can't imagine that the Green Party get too many votes in N.Ireland since all the Protestants think they are under cover Nationalists!
Stephen says if he gets elected he promises that none of us will have to wear a shirt and tie to work anymore.

Party: SDLP
Candidate: Alban McGuinness
Potential: Could you trust a man with a face like that?

I think that if children were allowed to vote, he would win the election, due to the fact that he looks like a cartoon character. Unfortunately you have to be eighteen or over.

Party: UUP
Candidate: Jim Nicholson
Potential: None

I think that as Mr Nicholson looks very like Pastor McConnell (the bishop, as he calls himself) from Whitewell Tabernacle, he'll get a few thousand votes from conservative Christians. I didn't even know the UUP were still doing politics. Is there another hand at the back? a young person? an older person? anyone? please ...

Party: Alliance Party
Candidate: Ian Parsley
Potential: They are too nice to take votes off anyone else

I think Ian Parsley is trying his hardest to confuse us into voting for him?
1) He is standing beside Skeletor to get votes off He-Man fans?
2) He is hoping that lots of people don't see his photograph, misread the ballot paper and think they are voting for Ian paisley?

Party: TUV (Traditional Unionist Voice)
Candidate:Jim Alister
Potential: He seems like a nice man

I'm bored writing these. Jim got peeved off with the DUP and started his own party. Look at his nice brochures.

That just about sums it up. If you think that the Bilderberg Group doesn't control the governments of the world and still feel it necessary to vote, the big day is June 4th 2009. I wouldn't get there too early!

Sing Song

Frankie

You know when you're on the internet and you've checked your email three times, everyones left facebook chat and went to bed and you checked the football tables a couple of times? That happens to me a lot, i get bored online. However i was googling one night and i came accross a great website from a Belfast photographer called Frankie Quinn. His work is amazing, lots of images of war torn belfast but also civil war zones accross europe. You can check his site out here.

I think he's probably my favourite and most inspirational photographer.

An Old Sound

I'm sitting at the kitchen table listening to an old sound. A sound that i haven't heard for ten years, a sound that i never gave a second thought, a sound that was the sound of safety and the sound of home. It is now the sound of fear, anger, apprehension and division.

It is the sound of an British army helicopter.

Last night in Belfast i saw something that as a child was an image of excitement and safety but is now the image of fear, anger, apprehension and division.

The sight of a police checkpoint. A pair of random policemen checking cars and occupants with a red torch.

This last three days have been bad days for the province of Northern Ireland. Three murders in three days. Senseless killing. Work mates lost, husbands never coming home, children who will never see their father again.

It has left us with a sense of ache in our bellies, the sense of tension in our minds and the sense of distrust in our guts.

I'm confused. I'm scared for the future of Northern Ireland and fear that what our teenagers have never witnessed will rear it's ugly head again.

Killing people has never and will never solve our problems. We are fighting over the same God to be part of a country who can't afford us and against a country who would be better off without us.

No Line On The Horizon

I've only listened to the new U2 album 6 times through now. I'll be honest, it hasn't really grown on me. My neighbour and friend John Boy drove to the 'free state' on saturday and got us a copy before the UK release date.

We took a drive on Sunday afternoon to give it a good listen through in one go. The sky was moody, drzzle, different colours, trees and grass and animals and i still wasn't inspired?

If you feel that this is turning too negative click on John McMullan on the list to the right for a better review. I'm sticking to my guns though.

Too be honest, when sexy boots was released a number of weeks ago i definately hoped in my heart that the album was going to be a lot better. It hasn't.

In fact, 'put on your boots' is the only hooky line that i have in my head. I get the feeling that the boys wrote a whole lot of tunes and then wrote a whole lot of words and tred to squeeze the words into the musical lines of the tunes. It doesn't work. So many times Bono runs out of space to sing the lines/words and it feels like he's rushing to squeeze the words into the verse. This makes things worse as the melodic flowing sounds of a U2 song just aren't there. It's too talky. There are no notes that challenge Bono's voice that suck us into songs especially live in a stadium.

I get the feeling that on their tour this year there will be a whole lot of songs from previous albums and maybe one or two from this one. You have to compare NO Line On The Horizon to other albums and it falls far short.

One thing i really love about U2's songs is the metaphorical, mysterious, thought provoking words ... they just aren't here anymore. It's all up front and pretty boring stuff.

Think of 'where the streets have no name', 'with or without you', 'one', 'city of blinding lights', 'walk on' ... now think of 'put on yer sexy boots'?

Could this be the year that Chris Martin and Coldplay have finally rounded the last bend in front of Bono and the old U2 rock 'n rollers?